McConnell Rallies Support Against Supreme Court Appointment With Pagan Ritual Sacrifice

Ben Freedman, humor editor

WASHINGTON – Late last Wednesday, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell conducted a traditional Pagan ritual sacrifice deep within his chambers to maintain Republican solidarity against accepting Supreme Court nominees. Hunched over a cauldron containing Obama’s short list of candidates, McConnell explained, “it just does not make sense to nominate a replacement right now. Ten months is more than sufficient time to confirm a Justice, and the Constitution unequivocally grants Obama the right to appoint someone, and yet it just doesn’t feel right. In this pivotal time for the court it ought to be the next president’s duty.”

“My job is to do what’s right for America, so instead of taking the pragmatic approach of simply following the Constitution, I have decided to defend judicial legitimacy the only way I know how; live animal sacrifice.”

After carefully plucking leaves of nightshade and placing a lock of hair from a former summer intern into the steaming pot, McConnell began again, noting that, “there is just no logic in forcing a confirmation hearing at this stage in Obama’s presidency.”

“I’m trying to be the rational one here,” continued McConnell, before calmly opening his desk drawer and placing a struggling baby lamb into the boiling pot. “The court can function with eight members temporarily, and it would not be the first time it has happened. In fact, it has been eighty years since a president in his last year in office has nominated a Supreme Court Justice. How’s that for precedent?” asked an infuriated McConnell as he shoved a trembling hoof back into the water and seasoned it with a pinch of ground coriander. After muttering a slur in tongues, McConnell proceeded to lose consciousness, and convulsed uncontrollably beside the roaring cauldron.

Upon being shaken awake by one of his aides, McConnell smiled and let loose a hearty trill from his office conch shell, calling forth hordes of robe-shrouded conservative lawmakers into the office ready for further orders.

After a quick reminder that the purpose of the meeting was not to defund Planned Parenthood (that’s Thursday), McConnell and Senate Republicans were seen huddling in a star formation around the sacrificial throne, dancing in solidarity against Obama’s nominee selections.