Whitman Bubble Turns Physical

Clara Wheeler, staff writer

In a shocking turn of events, the social separation that Whitman students feel from the rest of the world has formed a literal bubble around the campus. This newly-made translucent dome is impenetrable to the rocks and politically correct insults thrown at it by students between classes and blocks all attempts to cross it. Nobody knows when it formed, but it was discovered by a number of Northies and off-campus upperclassman repeatedly bonking into the sides of the bubble like flies at a window.

Unfortunately, due to North Hall’s distance from the rest of campus, we have lost contact with our northerly neighbors, like a downed phone line to Canada. As a matter of fact, our contact with the outside world has been reduced to yelling at people on the other side in the hopes that they can hear us through the barrier. They show no sign of understanding us, but gaze with dull eyes at our waving arms and shouted words.

But how does this all impact my daily activities? You all must be wondering. Really not much of anything will be different, but there will be less obligation to send letters to your parents and fewer pesky distractions from the goings-on of the outside world. We looked to our own fearless leader of this shining new community for a comment.

“We don’t expect it will change anything all that much,” said President Kathy Murray, munching on a sandwich. “We may actually get to see some people’s natural hair colors. Eventually. Really, the biggest worry is the air supply. I mean, is this thing even porous?” She took a deep breath and held it, puffing out her cheeks and waving away further questions. Indeed, Whitman students do not seem all that concerned with this new change in their lives, but a candlelight vigil will be held for those trapped outside the campus.

“At least we’re on the right side of the bubble, amiright?” said Whitman student Gregor Griegerwald, leaning on a post in an attempt to look cool. “I feel so bad for all those people that can’t get back to our beautiful campus. I feel so safe here.” Trapped, exiled, the forgotten and abandoned students roam the outside of the bubble in packs, looking for a weak place in the barrier to get back to the routine comfort of their college lives. They show no sign of ceasing and have been searching in shifts so that they can sleep. At present time, no vulnerabilities can be found.