Ducks Hunters ‘Quack’ Under Pressure

Melina Hughes

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Illustration by Sophie Cooper-Ellis.

The Student Activities Office Annual Duck Hunt began this week, and competition this year is hotter than ever. Students are desperate to locate rubber ducks in order for the chance to win prizes they probably don’t want, in addition to eternal glory. The increasingly competitive hunt coupled with the sudden presence of sun has left competitors with a duck-crazed fever and has led them to capture real live ducks.

Senior Smolly JoJo, who recently completed her thesis and was absolutely dazed by the sunshine and duck fever captured four living ducks with nothing but beef jerky and some twine and then attempted to submit them for raffle tickets.

“I just don’t understand,” said JoJo. “I brought in ducks. My ducks were perfect. I need to win. It’s my last year, and I NEED TO WIN!” Ms. JoJo then broke down in a fit of tears and had to be escorted home from the interview.

“Students are heartbroken when I tell them the real ducks won’t earn them a raffle ticket and they need to be set free. I have arranged for the Counseling Center to be on call to take any students needing duck-related counseling, ” said Student Activities Director KatAnn Adales.

Unfortunately, the mentally unstable students are only half of the problem. The live ducks that were left in the Student Activities Office refuse to leave Reid Campus Center. All attempts to “free” the captured ducks and return them outside have been thwarted by the ducks’ recent development of a caffeine addiction. The new Reid ducks eventually found their way down from the second floor to the café. The ducks have settled in quite nicely to their new life. They can be found picking up a brew or hanging out downstairs and listening to quack-poetry (the duck equivalent of slam poetry).

“We have kind of given up trying to remove them from the building, and besides, some of their poems are really quite moving,” said Student Activities Intern Lizzie Alexandra.