Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 4
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Just the Tips!

Illustration by MaryAnne Bowen.

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and you know what that means. Some of our readers may be asked to “make whoopee” by some of our other readers. This is a daunting experience for all of us, but have no fear. Nooky needn’t be an uncomfortable chore done out of the social obligation to procreate; it can be marginally interesting! You heard me right. With these helpful tips, you can turn your roll in the hay into a roll in the yay! Find a friend and try it out for yourself today!

Put your hand somewhere.

Wake them up to or with something.

Be sexy.

Be as naked as you mutually agree is appropriate at the time.

Invite or uninvite additional company.

Do that thing they like but have never told you about.

Don’t be afraid to get dirty, unless you are dirty, in which case, take a shower.

Rub something on another thing; consume if consumable.

Shower sex: not for dorms.

Probably best to do it in the dark.

Pro tip: if your condoms aren’t Patagonia, no one will do the deed with you.

Do some Kegels––which I think is a food?

Plan out the sex in detail beforehand––a graph is a must!

Put on a halftime show.

Illustration by MaryAnne Bowen

Make sure your legs aren’t in the way.

Can you do sex backward? Time to find out.

Thank them for their continued participation.

Don’t do it in the road. It’s dangerous.

Pierce their ear so they look cooler.

Scream like a gibbous monkey. It’s super hot, and your neighbors with think you are watching “Planet Earth.”

Plumage. Bitches love plumage.

Sing the “Top Gun” theme song, but make sure the words are at least 80 percent incorrect.

Frequently mention how glad you are they are not a freshmen, even if one or both of you are freshmen.

Say “that’s interesting” at varying intervals.

Brand them so that you can identify them later.

Do that thing that you know how to do. but not that one thing. That one thing is weird.

Make some time to read the Whitman Sexual Misconduct Policy together.

How many condoms is the right number of condoms? Find out.

Find the best sex food in Bon Appétit (e.g. Taste of Sicily, almond butter, mini croissants), and sneak it out.

Combine work and fun. Read your economics textbook to them during coitus. Preferably out loud.

Have sex on quinoa––it’s healthier.

The best sex requires time and distance.

And remember. Always use protection … whatever that means. This writer suggests bear spray.


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