Dots: Why?

Evelyn Levine

Dear Dots manufacturers,

It’s Halloween time, and that means candy! Finally, an excuse to eat sweet, chocolatey, nougaty, fruity and chewy yum. The packages are exciting, the colors are exciting and the joy brought to the children’s faces (especially my face) is exciting. Finding new candy is great and so is finding old candy. But candy-making dudes, let’s be real. Dots are gross (seriously).

So I get home from trick-or-treating, and I have this huge-ass fucking pillowcase full of candy (if you’re wondering what I dressed up as, I was Professor Grubbly Plank from the fourth and fifth “Harry Potter” books, but you probably don’t know who she is –– she wasn’t in the movies).

So I have this huge ass fucking pillowcase full of candy, and I pour it out on the living room floor (My mom is like “Don’t do that,” and I’m like “Whatever, Mom, go back to watching reruns of ‘Breaking Bad.’ You are so behind what is trendy.”). And the candy is all over the floor, and I start putting it in piles, cause that is what you do with Halloween candy (then you trick your younger brother into taking the Tootsie Rolls and chocolate covered raisins).

Then, I like find this little yellow box, and it’s not Nerds, which are pretty good. And, it’s not like Swedish Fish, which my dad likes. It’s like Dots. I’m like “What are Dots?” so I like open the box (it’s like hard to open and I almost like cut under my nail with the stupid cardboard). Bad start, right? Anyway, they are kinda pretty. They look kinda like Rolos but not chocolate and I’m like “Yeah, that is cool or whatever.” So I put a green one in my mouth, and let me break down four reasons why it was disgusting.

First, Dots have this nasty powdery tapioca starch covering. If I wanted my candy dusty, I would open it and leave it in my grandma’s house at Thanksgiving and come back and eat it at Christmas (even though I actually think Pickles her stupid one-eyed gassy chihuahua would probably eat it, and then die, and then they would totally blame me for killing him).

Secondly, they don’t taste fruity. Maybe it’s because they are from like the Depression, and they didn’t have enough flavoring or something. So, like green tastes like nothing.

Thirdly, has anyone ever sued you for not being able to get Dots off of their teeth? It’s like I need to go to the dentist after two Dots (not that I am going to eat a second Dot), so they pry the candy out of my molars with sharp things.

Lastly, they aren’t good for anything else. At least you can like pretend candy corn is fangs and Mexican candy with bugs in it is fun because it’s freaky. So, Dots, nobody wants you. Just stop trying. It is not the Depression anymore. We can make better candy now.

Peace out, Lisa