Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 3
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

The Ultimate dilemma

Last week, a team of world-renowned scholars met up to put an end to an ongoing linguistic debate. After days of discussion, they determined that adding adjectives to hobbies does not, in fact, make them sports. While the decision created uproar in the Ultimate Frisbee community, the Happy Quilting community has been incredibly welcoming to all 42 members.

“We are just glad to have company,” said Happy Quilter Ted “Patches” Cunningham, adding, “We don’t get out much.”

In fact, many members of other adjectived hobbies shared positive reactions to the change.

“Maybe one day, liberal arts students will drive themselves around the country to compete with other students in smoothly collecting stamps,” speculated Smooth Stamp Collecting commissioner Bobby “StickyFingers” Ralph.

Still, the disc-throwing Ultimists cannot help but feel slightly disappointed to have spent years getting in shape for what has been equivocated to Grand Kite Flying.

“Ultimate is more than an adjectived hobby; it’s an adjectived way of life,” ranted Whitman Frisbee activist Nathan Sany in between bites of an extra-crunchy bowl of granola that he bought in bulk.

“Without Frisbee, I’d just be another guy who quit baseball, but instead I’m the Frisbee guy who quit baseball,” Ethan Parrish reported from somewhere in the world.

Still, critics of the rising popularity of Ultimate are pleased to see it put in its proper place. “My dog chases Frisbees around, but you don’t see him wearing backward hats and obnoxious uniforms,” stated Eli Mathieu, a pleased baseball fan.

In response to the decision, the Frisbee community has been trying desperately to utilize other parts of speech to regain their status as a sport. For the time being, “With Frisbee” and “Frolicking Flatball” fall under a grammatical grey area, but who knows? Maybe in an adverb-friendly day and age we will see “Delightfully Disc Tossing” in the Olympics.

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