College gets high with new Whitman airline

Josh Goodman

Whitman College is getting into the airline charter business, having recently purchased two Boeing 737s to start a college-run airline, missionAIRy.

“We wanted to provide our sports teams with a quicker way to travel than buses,” said Dean of Sports Malcolm Putz. “Quite frankly, we’re above that. See, get it, we’re above that because we’re flying.”

When not ferrying varsity athletes, the planes will be available for class trips.

“Imagine going to the U.S. Mexico border for a day trip, or flying to Paris for a few days of immersion in French. Well, now you can,” said President George Bridges. “Oh, who am I kidding, the athletes are going to hog it.”

Students are already excited for the possibilities that having a school plane will bring.

“I always thought we should be fly like a G6,” said a first-year athlete. “Well, now we will be. Fuck this unpretentious shit.”

To pay for the planes, Whitman will eliminate the unpopular German Studies department.

“Ficken die Menschen, die diese Uni führen!” said Chair of the German Studies Department Emily Haam.