Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman Announces New Interest Houses

Illustration: Emily Johnson

With the Whitman administration having completed the latest in a series of shady land deals, the college is proud to announce the expansion of the Interest House Community to better accommodate the diverse hobbies of the student body. Here are just a few of the exciting new living options for next year!

Vengeance House (VenHo)––The house where you can follow a brutal martial-arts training regimen while brooding about tracking down the rat who killed your father, master or best friend. Amenities include punching bags, dartboards and love interests to distract you from your mission.

Racist House (RaHo)––Features an extra-large porch where housemates can sit menacingly in rocking chairs and, whenever a minority walks by, mutter about how this used to be such a nice neighborhood. (Note: RaHo will be located 10 blocks from the main campus)

House House (HoHo)––The house for curmudgeonly students who diagnose all the most difficult patients and don’t play by the rules.

Pollution House (PoHo)––A house built directly across from the Outhouse for the specific purpose of driving them insane. Features a permanent compost pile of plastic and batteries and 24-hour incandescent lighting powered by a generator that runs on dead owls.

Murder House (MuHo)––The RA is a reclusive billionaire with a menagerie of exotic African creatures. Amenities include secret passageways, unguarded lead pipes, a perpetual rainstorm and a butler who is not at all suspicious. House meetings always begin with “Ladies and gentlemen. One of us . . . is a murderer!”

The House––An English-language interest house for students who want to immerse themselves in English-speaking culture. Activities include English-language movies, and “English nights” when housemates sharpen their skills by speaking only English to each other. RA is a native English speaker!

Pretentious House (PreHo)––The house for students who are tired of all the unpretentiousness that goes on at Whitman. Feel free to use long, made-up words to describe your musical tastes; write a short story using only the letter f; or call everything “postmodern” whether or not it makes sense. Check out “PreHo Unplugged,” where any Whittie with a guitar can show up and strum a 94-minute composition about their struggle for peace with the universe!

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