The year in mistakes, embarrassments, and misjudgments.
The Pioneer staff regrets winning second- and third-place awards in web design and print design, respectively. You can’t drink tequila out of those paper awards. Sure, we may already have two trophies to use, but that’s just not enough for us.
The Pioneer‘s website regrets how often it was down in the past academic year. The website does not regret being awesome. These technical difficulties were caused by extremely high numbers of traffic. Like, 90,000 hits per month, bitches!
Editor-in-Chief Patricia Vanderbilt regrets that after May 20 she can no longer be referred to as “chief.” She also regrets the questionable racial implications of the term “chief,” especially given the history of Whitman’s founding.
Patricia also regrets that the printers of The Circuit addressed the invoice to “Whiteman College.”
Patricia also regrets that she knows the exact time that the night janitor comes to Reid each day of the week.
Managing Editor Cara Lowry regrets that after three years of nit-picking The Pioneer she has lost her ability to use the Oxford comma in her non-Pio-related writing.
Big Cheese Pizza regrets that their #1 customer is The Pioneer.
A&E Editor Caitlin Hardee and her scale also regret the apparently endless pizza budget.
Senior Reporter Rachel Alexander regrets the consequences of the low alcohol tolerance and strong stomachs of the editorial staff. That was all her birthday alcohol, you guys.
News editor Karah Kemmerly regrets that she rarely speaks English at Pio parties. She regrets that the other editors don’t speak German.
The news team regrets that the cute boys who work in the yearbook office never come and hang out on production night.
Sports Editor Libby Arnosti and Photography Editor Ethan Parrish regret that they can use “I have a concussion” as a legitimate excuse not to do their work for Pio. For reals.
Rachel regrets that Production Manager Ted Hendershot insists on playing classy jazz music on production night, thus depriving everyone of the opportunity to enjoy Ke$ha.
News editor Karah Kemmerly also regrets that managing editor Cara Lowry has yet to draw a mustache on her co-editor Shelly Le. She feels that this is a great loss because Shelly would look quite dashing with a mustache.
Feature Editor Alyssa Fairbanks regrets that she has never been able to escape the clutches of The Pioneer and the fact that working so long for one paper has honed her extreme sassiness.
Feature Editor Kelsey Kennedy regrets that she must be stereotyped as “The Sweet One” just to balance out Alyssa’s incessant sass.
Editor-in-Chief Patricia Vanderbilt regrets that “Voices from the Community” should really be called “Voices from four random students we found at Reid.”
Production Manager Ted Hendershot regrets The Pioneer‘s frequent design identity crises, resulting in students’ difficulty in finding The Pioneer on campus and recognizing it as such. However, he does not regret his fabulous taste in patterned socks.
Web editor Sara Rasmussen regrets her utter inability to understand or appreciate Twitter and why all journalists are so obsessed with it. Sara also regrets that it is apparently her job as Web Editor to use Twitter. Meanwhile, news editor Shelly Le does not regret falling for the Twitter fad. She does regret that she only has eight followers.
The Pioneer staff regrets that no one will find these as funny as we do.
