Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

The Last of the No-Sickens

Lately, I have noticed that I seem to be the only person in all of Jewett who has not been swept under this latest wave of disease. It appears to be quite a whopper, too, according to my observations: your temperature shoots upward, your voice modulates to something distinctly Kermit-y and mucus starts oozing out of most of your facial orifices. It looks awful. It has transformed my hallmates into what looks like The Walking Dead. So, of course, I needed a list of survival rules.

Rule #1: Vitamins, vitamins, vitamins. Eat them like popcorn throughout the day. I prefer “Gummy Vitamins: For Adults.”

Rule #2: Don’t talk to an Infected. If they try to converse, don’t worry about being polite. Just throw a vitamin at them and run.

Rule #3: If your roommate becomes infected, move out immediately. It doesn’t matter if you were “friends.” That time is over now. They are lost to you.

Rule #4: Always check for Infecteds before entering a room. The best way to do this is to toss a box of lotion-infused Kleenex into the room in question. They will swarm.

Rule #5: Start drinking tea if you don’t already. Extremely hot tea serves a dual purpose: it soothes a throat that is CLEARLY NOT SORE WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT and it is good for throwing in an Infected’s face if they approach you.

Rule #6: If you find yourself surrounded by Infecteds, spray Lysol in all directions until you find an opening. Keep spraying Lysol until you are clear.

Rule # 7: Remember, Infecteds can’t smell, taste or hear very well. Use this to your advantage by staying out of their line of sight as well. They will have no idea you’re there.


Good luck. Remember: If they’ve been infected . . . they’re not your friends anymore.

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