With spring break coming up, The Backpage has noticed the rides listserv is experiencing a bit of  pre-holiday madness. It’s amazing the lengths some Whitties will go for a ride. We decided to illustrate our point by following one particular student’s quest for a ride:

From: Ben Dover
To: [email protected]

Hey I need a ride home to Seattle for break. I can offer gas money and/or baked goods. Must have space for a kayak paddle.

Thanks,

Ben Dover

From: Ben Dover
To: [email protected]

Hey! Want to subsidize the cost of your trip home? Let me pay you for a spot in your car! But wait, there’s more! I will also bake your favorite treat and personally feed it to you as we drive! You know you want me in your car: all the cool kids are giving me rides!

Sincerely,
B-Deezy

From: Ben Dover
To: [email protected]

Hey, I’m Ben.

Do you want to make a 10?

Dollar Bills, they all adorning my kayak paddle.
I really need a ride to Seattle.

So do me a favor,

And don’t be a slaver;

Red Rover, Red Rover

Send an email with a ride right over.

Seriously though, I will pay you cash money, bake you up some goods, massage your feet etc. I will supply whatever you need!

kthanksbye,

Ben

From: Ben Dover
To: [email protected]

I’m starting to get desperate here. No one has e-mailed me back, and I’m sort of beginning to believe that you Whitties are all heartless bastards. I am losing sight of my pussy bourgeois ideals. Do you want to pervert my belief system like that, you heartless bastards!?! Please, help a brotha out!

Peace,
Big Beezy

From: Ben Dover
To: [email protected]

WHY IS NO ONE ANSWERING MY EMAILSSSSSSSS?!!! I NEED A RIDE PRONTO. I AM STARTING TO REGRET COMING TO THIS SCHOOL, YOU FILTHY ANIMALS!! I KNOW YOU HAVE CARS. I’M OFFERING YOU CASH MONEY LIKE THE RIDE PROSTITUTES YOU ARE, AND YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE THE COMMON-WHORE FUCKING COURTESY TO RESPOND. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH. I’M GOING TO MISS THE NICKELBACK CONCERT THIS SATURDAY. SLUTABEES! IF THERE IS ANYTHING YOU SHOULD LOVE, IT IS NICKEELBACK, YOU NIGHT-WALKING PIECES OF SHIT. IF I DON’T GET A RIDE I WILL PERSONALLY SLEEP WITH ALL OF YOUR MOTHERS, PEOPLE WITH CARS. I WILL STALK YOU AND SLEEP WITH YOUR MOTHERS!!!!! GET BACK TO ME WITH A RIDE AND I WILL RESCIND THIS THREAT (IN MOST CASES).

Best,
Ben Dover

From: Ben Dover
To: [email protected]

I may have gone a little too far with that last e-mail. I’m serious about that ride, though. Let me know!

Thanks,
Benjamin