New Class Offerings for White Male Fragility

Megumi Rierson, staff writer

It’s been a tough run for the White Guys recently. In the past few months, they’ve braved the inaccurate media representations of Whites at Trump Rallies, indiscriminate and vague blame being placed on them in every politics class and the most recent leadership shake-up in one of their most cherished institutions, IFC, where one of their own was just trying to do his White Guy thing by clumsily advancing his elite group’s interests with calculated disregard for the consequences. The higher-ups at Whitman have taken notice of this troubling trend of White Guy subjugation and have vowed to remedy it by offering a new class called Affirmative Reactions 128.

The class will be comprised largely of White Guys whose egos meet a certain standard level of fragility and a hand-picked group of students who represent traditionally marginalized groups whose faces you’ve undoubtedly seen on every piece of Whitman advertising. The class will be run as a discussion based seminar analyzing many of the texts that led to discussions in which the White Guys felt victimized, including the The New Jim Crow, Beloved and The Second Sex. The women and people of color in the room will provide their insights into the given text but the class will not be allowed to move on to the next point until one of the White Guys in the room has repeated, diluted and taken credit for each said insight.

The aim of the class is to provide a platform for White Guys to reclaim their lost agency in these tumultuous political times. Repeating the intellectual contributions of others and claiming them as their own has been a longstanding tradition for the White Guys of Whitman College, and finally enough student interest has coalesced to allow for the practice to be fully ritualized as a component of a well-rounded liberal arts education. In order for every student to feel heard, some of them have to be heard more than others.

“Sure, we’ve gotten a lot of criticism for registering for this,” said one of the six Andrews in the class, “but, like, at the end of the day, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, amirite?”

Yes Andrew, you sure are.