Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 9
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Salacious Divas

Greetings young lovers,

We are back and working under a new format so both of our reputations don’t have to suffer.  

It has been an eventful weekend indeed. Fashionably late valentines have warmed lonely hearts. Strange messages have appeared on sexual misconduct forms in the bathrooms at Reid. I used the term “skanky cow” in a formal presentation. Many BSU attendees found their genitals unexpectedly fondled by that familiar anonymous grasp you may remember from the Beta foam party. One finely fashioned BSU goer decided to take a late evening swim in Lakum Duckum and subsequently gashed his leg open on a sharp rock. The ducks bemoaned that such a retard dared disturb their slumber.  

Since we’re coming to you fashionably late, we think it proper to provide you with a list:

Highlights of our final semester:

1.   First and foremost, Sparkles –– i.e. a certain cubic zirconium-adorned Napolean –– is abroad, and plagues us no more.  

2.   [Ed. – Comment redacted because editor does not understand what Caitlin is saying.]

3.   I took my first trip to “The Blue,” better dubbed “The Gangrene.” After losing my driver’s license, I passed for a Washington resident with an enormous neck and no visible bottom lip pictured on a friend’s spare I.D. Neo-gothic townies and Betas abounded. While dingy and uninviting, drinks were comparably well-priced, especially if you have boobs.

4.   Danger Mermaid is back and gearing for action.

5.   Fair-weather friends with disastrous dye-jobs and clumpy eyelashes have been weeded out. Finally.

6.   Joaquin Phoenix is either an aspiring hip-hop artist or a total genius.

7.   Rihanna got her face bashed in by angry rapper boyfriend, Chris Brown. Breaking dishes?  

8.   A notable hip-hop themed party in Coho, to which the residents of my abode, “The Staircase,” dressed as “sluts in space.” Rumps were shaken, kegs were tapped before RDs could get to them, and my neck was thrown out after attempting to out-dance a Baryshnikov. The elusive John Klein made a dazzling cameo.  

9.   A “swing tour,” which involved the Staircase plus benefits (that is, two fabulous weekend guests who consummated their bf/gf status on a bed fit for a popstar) on bicycles, exploring the many swing sets this town has to offer. In the midst of this adventure, I took a hard backward fall while attempting to steal a glamour shot of a squirrel.  

10. “Two Guys (For Every Girl)” was played on KDub. Thanks No Soap.

Now the time has come to discuss how much cooler everything was when we were freshmen and sophomores. I swear there was once a time when dance parties were epic and frequent and “No One Under 21” signs sufficed to keep the Popo out. These days the dance party scene has dissolved into poorly spun hip-hop refuse. The one too-good-to-be-true “Badass Dance Party” at The Rainbow (which offered premium lighting and floor space) was actually broken up by the cops. Never mind frat row, where under-aged brains are fried on a regular basis.  

We’ll leave you with a fashion tip, one we have left you with many times before: Sweat pants make you look like you’re wearing a diaper. And those labeled with fraternity emblems certainly don’t better the situation. Branch out. Be a hottie. Choose outfits that flatter your body. Not ones that make you look shoddy.  

Thanks for reading,

Caitlin (and friends)

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  • C

    Caitlin TortoriciFeb 28, 2009 at 4:37 am

    I agree with you and I apologize for using that word. I’m afraid I am somewhat desensitized to politically incorrect language and neglected to edit it out. I honestly did not mean to offend. I promise to exercise more care in the future.

  • M

    maryFeb 27, 2009 at 8:00 pm

    no matter how you feel about something it’s just wrong to use the word retard.