Dear Mom,

I know you’re not my real mom, but I could still use some help:

1. Do you know how to get a red wine stain out of a patterned shirt? I kind of balled it up in a corner when I went to bed on Friday and now I am worried that is ruined.

Yes! First of all, honey, if you spill red wine on a shirt (or anything!) you need to deal with it, even if you’re drunk. You can do better! But here’s what you need to do: using a cotton cloth and water, dab at the stain for a bit—definitely don’t rub! If you catch it quick, I recommend just dumping a bunch of salt on the stain and let it absorb overnight… But in this case, you could pull the shirt taut over a bowl (using a rubber band to secure it), sprinkle salt all over the stain, wait five minutes and then pour boiling water (from a high height! Like several feet!) over the salt. Then, machine wash! You can also pour club soda on the stain, or use the salt method and club soda! You’ve got this!

2. With all of Trump’s bullshit going on, do I still have healthcare?

Hell, sweetheart, how am I supposed to know? I recommend calling your healthcare provider and talking to them. But since it’s all up in the air right now, we just have to wait and see—hopefully we’ll be okay! Don’t just cross your fingers though: call your representatives. Call the White House! Call everyone.

3.  What goes well with polenta?

Wow, what an endeavor you’re undertaking—polenta, go you! I recommend a wedge salad with cranberries and bleu cheese dressing. Also, pan-fried chicken with olive oil, garlic, salt and pepper would go well! Just don’t undercook the chicken.

4. I just got a notice saying that I was summoned for jury duty in May, but I am going to still be here at school, what do I do?

Send them a letter telling them you can’t go because you’re in college in a different place—this should cover it! If there’s more trouble, I will handle it.

5. Do I have to pay for a parking ticket?

Yes.

6. How does the mail work?

I’m going to let you in on a secret, and that is we grownups are still figuring this out too. I suggest talking to Eddie in the mailroom.

7. Who should I vote for in the next sheriff election?

Follow your heart and you’ll be fine.

8. How do I get sunscreen stains out of something?

If it’s a grease stain (not a rust stain, which surprise! sometimes sunscreen can do! Google this if that’s your problem!), this shouldn’t be too hard. First, you’ll need a stain remover spray or gel or a little bit of liquid detergent (Tide is a good one!) or a mix of powdered detergent and water. Work it into the stain with your fingers and let it sit for fifteen minutes, then wash on the highest heat the fabric can take (check the label inside!). Check the stain before you throw it into the dryer, since sometimes the dry heat can set the stain—if the stain isn’t out yet, rinse and repeat the whole process.

9. If I left milk out overnight will it still be ok?

Definitely smell it, but it should be ok. Especially if it was cool at night.

10. Does being 22 make me a grownup / old?

No. You haven’t seen anything yet.