Over our few years writing this page, we have offended a lot of shitheads… and we know it, and not just on the paper, in real life too. So, we feel like we owe an apology to several people for several different things. So, without further ado, we apologize to:

-Every alumni ever who has thought this was a real page. But really? You thought it was a real page? The constant use of the word fuck didn’t throw you at all. Bravo.

-Everyone who got offended by that last apology…
-Hoobastank… we’re sorry you suck so much
-Hootie, but not the blowfish, the blowfish are all dicks.
-The tri-delts… sorry, our bad… the former tri-delts
-The men of Tau Kappa Epsilon
-The men of Beta Theta Pi
-The men of Phi Delta Theta
-The “men” of Sigma Chi
-Santa Clause. You are real.
-China. We wouldn’t trade you for all the tea in you.
-The father
-The son
-And to a lesser extent the holy ghost.
-Pearl Jam… one we time we heard Creed on the radio and thought it was you… we were very sorry…
-U.J. Sofia, for Dru’s astro presentation
-Stephen’s son. Look Billy, I send your mother checks. That doesn’t mean I love you. I didn’t mean to confuse you.
-Chairs. We know our weight keeps fluctuating and you don’t know how to prepare for us. Thanks for being you.
-Matt Aliabadi. There, we mentioned you. You owe us $5. Are you happy, Matt?
-The people who are building the bridge. We are sure you are trying your hardest.
-Matt Cooley. We are sorry you are you.
-The music department for that piano we thought was a urinal. And for the water fountain we thought was a bidet.
-Philosophy majors. We feel like we have been pretty hard on you on the Back Page and we are sorry for that. But mostly we are sorry because you will never amount to anything.
-Sophie and the copy editors. You all did a great job at catching and correcting our spelling errors. But we still hold that “bawling” should be spelled “balling.”
-To the ten or so people who were conned by Dru into giving them their life savings… of course you didn’t know it was Dru… PYRAMID SCHEME!
-The Sociology Department. Thanks for being you.
-The audience of The Machinery of Night.
-To our mothers… labor sucks… we understand that now…
-Swiffer Vacs… we underestimated your sucking power… you REALLY suck.
-To anyone who read that last horrible pun
-Snape… we don’t know if you actually are evil… we will wait until June 21st… we will wait very anxiously
-40 percent of the whitman population… the 40 that are ugly!
-Devo. You would be so easy to make fun of but we never really got around to it. Thanks for being you.
-Everybody who has been yelled at while walking down Isaacs. It was actually us. Sorry.
-Bon Appetit and people on meal plans. We took your spoons.
-The entire Whitman College community. Thanks for letting us attempt to entertain you for three years. But mostly, thanks for being you.