You Are The WORST
Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.
Email This Story
I’m BACK. It’s been a long hiatus, but it’s so nice to be idiotic in a tasteful way again. There has been a strange disturbance in the IdiotSphere (patent pending), however. Yours truly (me) has witnessed a slew of events that I am now dubbing the:
“You’re The Worst” Awards!
I’m sad I have to do this, you’re sad I have to do this, and Martha Stewart is sad she had to get rid of those siq prison tats. BUT WE PERSEVERE.
The way that this is gonna work is:
- I’m gonna list out stuff that really qualifies you as the worst.
- You’re going to read said list.
- I’m going to eat some Trader Joe’s food my mom sent me (Really, I am SO #BLESSED!)
- You’re going to pride yourself in not being on this list in any way.
- If you ARE on this list, turn to Jesus, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, my own personal fish goddess (name withheld until you prove yourself), or the secular philosophy of your choice (Are you happy? I got one for all the folks–don’t test me on how PC I can be.)
LET‘S BEGIN NOW!
I just got back from watching Deadpool. Stellar movie! Hilarious, gory (enough that the Queen wouldn’t mind!), and full of many FANTASTIC breaks of the fourth wall. I did, however, notice during my period of sitting in the theatre that a girl not older that seven was there with her parents. I couldn’t help but notice, due to the fact that she wouldn’t stop counting along with Ryan Reynolds (A WHOLE ‘NOTHER POST COULD GO INTO THE RAGE I FEEL WHEN PEOPLE TALK AT A CONVERSATIONAL LEVEL IN THEATERS). After I had gone through the various stages of rage (mad, really mad, hungry, self-reflective, calm), I found myself entirely SHOCKED that this girl was here. She, a spry, young lass, was too young to be inundated with these images of blood and guts*. I awarded her parents a Worstie because if I’m cringing at some of the effects in that movie, your child is most definitely going to internalize those images.
Tank Top Guy in Winter
Hey, Trey. How’s it going, man? What was that? How did I know your name was Trey? I knew because you’re wearing a DOUCHEY TANK TOP IN THE MIDDLE OF GOSHDARN WINTER. Hypothermia is not HIP, Trey. Put on CLOTHES. Save your skimpy clothing for when the sun comes out for longer than seven seconds at a time.*
You Had A Car Chase In a Minivan
Living in L.A., I have witnessed many things: Fergie going to church, an ambulance driver sassing another driver over their loudspeaker, and So. Many. Car. Accidents. However, I’ve never seen anyone be ambitious enough to run from the PoPo in a minivan. Mom cars are not criminal cars for a reason: They drive like boats, have a top speed of SIX iph (inches per hour), and generally are embarrassing to be seen in. So riddle me this: Why have I witnessed TWO Walla Walla car chases in which the criminal was driving a minivan?!? Is there something about minivans up here in WA that make people think, “Yeah. This is a good idea. I’m gonna run from the police in this WICKED Dodge Grand Caravan!”
Get Yo Smelly Feet Off My Desk
After having another WONDERFUL morning in the dining hall (eating PINEAPPLE!!!1! #BLESSED), I walked to the library to put the final touches on (start) my homework. I walk in, hear the beautiful sound of the books singing and stop short. To get to the desk that I want to work at, I’d have to pass a table that has some dude with his BARE feet on the desk.
Let’s get one thing straight. I have no problem with bare feet. Hell, I walk around in my bare feet all the damn time. But there is a HUGE, COLOSSAL difference in keeping your feet to yourself and placing them on a pedestal to be viewed by the whole community. Here’s the summation of my whole life: No one’s dirty feet belong on the table. Yeah, please, don’t wear your shoes. Please! Take ’em off. But DON’T PUT YO NASTY TOOTSIES AT A LEVEL ABOVE THE GROUND.
LOL what’s wrong with you. If you thought I was serious, go back to SCHOOL. Shaq is PERFECT.
White People (We’re Always On The List For a Reason)
Do I really have to explain?
Whoever Invented Crocs
(See the explanation for White People)
Whoever Wears Crocs
(See the explanation for Whoever Invented Crocs)
Like I said, this isn’t a comprehensive list. This list of opinions functions as a way for you to reevaluate your life and live in a glorious way (like ME). Expect more fun, fresh vegetables, and satirical articles from me in the future.
It’s good to be back.
*Disclaimer: THIS IS AN OPINION. u got a problem? say it to my FACE.