(Note: We tried to write a celebrity gossip column for the first issue of The Consumer, but we became too consumed in our vices and instead became fodder for gossip.)

Let’s start with the fatties of Tinseltown: Jennifer Lopez, having squeezed every last baby out of her body, is no longer disgustingly overweight. Also, Kirstie Alley, spokeswoman for Jenny Craig, stepped down from her position in the illustrious world of weight loss programs. Alley plans to start her own weight-loss program, with the website and company name being released shortly. However, her future company probably has the same slim chance of success as Alley’s waistline losing any inches. Meanwhile, Jenny Craig has come up with a brilliant solution to America’s weight problem: hire the “voluptuous” Queen Latifah and focus on achieving a “healthier lifestyle, not on getting onto a specific dress size.”

While this might be one hell of a marketing campaign for the failing weight-loss program, we have one thing to say: fat’s fat bitch!

Now from the current fatties to those stars that will soon put on enough pounds to start a weight-loss company of their own: child stars of Hollywood! 20 year old pop star Aaron Carter, brother of Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, got busted on Thursday with enough marijuana in his Escalade to smoke out the former Den of Iniquity for a full week! Though seemingly impressive since every other child star only racks up DUIs, Carter is a sideshow compared to the likes of Lil’ Wayne, who was recently arrested after police found copious amounts of weed, cocaine, and ecstasy on his tour bus. And a .40 caliber pistol. C’mon Aaron, your shit is weak.

What’s not weak, however, is how big of a slut Angelina Jolie is. Misty Cooper claims to have had an affair with Jolie while on the set of “Gone in 60 Seconds.” Cooper also says that Angelina loves having sex with women too much to be satisfied only by Brad Pitt’s cock. We think that the lesson to take away from this is that love and sex don’t get any easier for the fabulously beautiful. The good news is that Angelina’s family is getting more diverse with each passing day. Not only does she already have four children from three different continents, rumors are swirling that the father of her current “bump” is actually a woman. More about this in the third trimester.

To wrap up, we are tired of all the negativity emanating from the celeb media. Is it so hard to find something nice to write about such lovely, interesting people? We are all human, it’s just that some are prettier, and thus better, than others. With that said, our good girl of the week has to be Britney Spears. Signs are now pointing toward a possible recovery, as she has regained visitation rights with her children. Moreover, her toxic ex-manager, accused of drugging Britney over the past few months, has been served with a restraining order prohibiting him from seeing the pop star. So leave Britney alone!