I am frustrated, infuriated and so very tired. But I am not surprised. The two opinion articles published in the January 26 issue of The Wire say the same thing: “Grace” and Aziz were equally culpable for their “bad date.” Whether or not Aziz’s actions are defined as sexual assault, it is clear to me that he violated the consent of his date, and as such, he committed an act of violence.

Why are the standards of conduct so much higher for women than for men? Grace is chastised by India and Rina for being passive, implying that she is responsible for the violation of her own boundaries. Although these two articles claim that both parties are equally responsible, what they ultimately emphasize is that Grace should have beared the burden of articulating her desires in a way that Aziz would understand and respect. Because Grace did not forcefully voice her discomfort, the articles imply that somehow she is responsible for what happened. This is unacceptable. What Grace said was enough. She asked to slow down. She said, “I don’t want to feel forced,” “I don’t think I’m ready to do this.” Grace was uncomfortable, and Aziz chose to ignore this fact in pursuit of his own pleasure. This choice is an act of violence.

The two opinion articles published in The Wire prop up patriarchy and rape culture. I agree that in an ideal world, all sex would be enthusiastic and consensual, and everyone would communicate their desires, discomforts and boundaries freely. But communication is not just about talking, it’s also about listening. By pretending that he was not able to pick up on obvious verbal and nonverbal cues, Aziz attempts to absolve himself of the responsibility to engage in a respectful and mutually enthusiastic manner with his partner.

Patriarchy is a system of hierarchy and domination that is much more than a sum of individual beliefs and actions. Though India’s piece claims a desire to “empower” women to say no, rape culture is not something that can be individually dismantled or rejected. Why is the burden placed upon women like Grace to single-handedly dismiss gender hierarchies? The effect this kind of individualistic “rise above it” rhetoric is victim-blaming, though neither article explicitly says Grace deserved her treatment.

Believing, supporting and empowering women and other survivors of sexual violence means knowing that people make decisions that make the most sense to them in extremely scary, uncomfortable and dangerous situations. We use survival strategies and coping mechanisms that, in many cases, de-escalate very real threats to our safety and our lives.

An absence of “no” does not mean “yes.” With this in mind, Aziz clearly violated Grace’s consent. However, consent is still more complicated than an enthusiastic “yes.” Consent is about mutual respect and care. When it comes to sex –or really any other activity between two or more people– we must be attentive to power disparities that influence each person’s ability to articulate their needs and desires. Aziz’s refusal to listen to and prioritize Grace’s wishes is not uncommon, but it is unacceptable. This is not just about good sex. It is about dismantling rape culture. We must demand better.