Let’s talk about sex. More specifically, let’s talk about talking during sex. Many of us have probably at some point or another reached that critical moment in sex when something needs to happen differently. That’s not to say the sex isn’t good, or whatever is happening in the moment is not pleasurable, but for whatever reason, something needs to change. The topic of today’s column is to discuss ways to establish this dialogue and communication during sex acts. While communication is infinitely important during all sexual situations, we feel that there are three particular times when communication can truly enhance your sex life: status updates, tricks for climaxing, and cracking jokes.
The first instance is what we’ll call the “check in”. This is most useful when trying something new or when making sure your partner is receiving as much pleasure as you are. When we give consent, we assume it’s often an end-all-and-be-all to a single sex act, but we don’t realize that even within that single act there can be things that need talking about. For example, during vaginal sex, it is sometimes possible for the penetrator to go too deep and unintentionally cause their partner pain. Even if you and your partner have had sex many times before – even in this same position – it is still important to check in. This can be as simple as saying, “Is this good?” Open communication requires both partners to be truthful with their answers. It’s can be tough to bring up the conversation, particularly if something your partner is doing is uncomfortable. It might be awkward and scary, but think about it in the reverse: if you were accidentally causing them pain, wouldn’t you want to know?
The second avenue for communication during sex is when it’s going well, but you still need that little extra push to climax. When you’re masturbating, you know exactly what that is, but obviously your partner doesn’t have the same insight. For example, even though Chevy and I are both fairly vanilla, there are things that we need occasionally to push us past the edge. These can be good to talk about before sex, but they can happen in the moment as well. For Chevy, it’s being bitten – hard. For Crystal, it’s just a quick snippet of dirty talk. It’s not something we need every time, but it’s a good bonus!
Third: remember, sex is fun, so don’t be afraid to crack a joke. Getting down is often conceived as a means to an end, which can give sex an air of seriousness. While it’s certainly true that having sex with someone expresses more than words ever can, you can often add to the intimacy of the act by cracking a joke. Things that you can laugh at during sex (from our personal experiences): queefing, cats jumping on your face, roommates walking in, funny noises, accidentally elbowing your partner in the nuts, losing your balance and falling off the bed, knocking over the lamp, etc. – the list is infinite.
Ultimately, talking during sex actively increases intimacy. Communication acknowledges your partner’s personhood, the fact that they are an individual, and through that, acknowledges that the two of you are coming to this place of intimacy and pleasure together. While it is certainly possible to have great sex without talking, communication makes sex a space for further sharing – not just of bodies, but of individualities as well.