Hundreds of freshmen and sophomores like me have, for whatever reason, decided to attend another year at Whitman. They’ve hedged their bets on the housing lottery after weeks of being led by the nose by the Interest Housing Community, and they’re scared. I’m here to set the record straight as someone who A) has no skin in the housing market game, and B) doesn’t care enough to do any actual research on it. 

Firstly, for those starry-eyed and stupid enough to believe you’re getting into Stanton… IT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. Stanton is for students with dollar bills for parents or a Make-A-Wish clause in their academic contracts. You’re going to Anderson, and you’re going to like it. 

Think of the poor SOBs who wound up with a Douglas Suite; you want to be like them? They spent all semester trying to make enough friends to justify living in Douglas, and now they’re stuck with a couple going through the most apocalyptic break-up known to man, a STEM major this close to burning the house down and taking the entire campus with them, and a guy known only as Ketamine Mike. 

Secondly, if you entered with your previous roommate… you’ll probably be fine. You’ve chosen the path of least resistance and proved that you can peacefully live with others. As for the maladjusted freaks – the only children – among you, you will be put through the gauntlet. Your roommate will be assigned based on whatever traits piss you off the most. If you can survive the first few weeks with them, you’re definitely going to hook up and it will be terrible. 

Kidding. 

If you can get past the first few weeks, you will be able to withstand torture. Suffering builds character, and if you aren’t absolutely chiseled by your agony next year, I’ll take back every mean thought I’ve ever had about only children. Listen, I know you’re scared. If the housing lottery is weighing heavily on your mind, the best thing you can do is SUCK IT UP LIKE AN ADULT. I believe in you! We all believe in you! Now get out there and get your housing assignments!