Adjusting to college is hard. My friends and family are thousands of miles away, so I’ve had to build myself a new support system. The people I’ve met are incredible, but there’s still something missing. 

In high school, my drama teacher, Mrs. K, was the reason I got up in the mornings. She was always on my mind during tumultuous times; I knew she would always be there to inspire me to be my worst self. 

We despised each other. Month after month, year after year, we discovered new qualities to hate. We never got tired of it; in fact, the increasingly ludicrous reasons she sent me to the principal’s office kept our relationship fresh and exciting! Who could forget the time I staged a theatre department coup d’etat and received a lifetime ban from high school drama! Without her, I’m bereft. I have no way of harnessing the simmering rage inside of me, and it’s only a matter of time until it fizzles into nothing. I need a new rival, and soon.

You might be thinking, “an academic nemesis! Sounds fun, where do I sign up?” And if so … Congratulations, YOU FAILED! An academic nemesis isn’t fun! It takes hard work! Do you honestly think I sent 45 grad cards to Mrs. K on a whim? If your vitriolic obsession with me doesn’t make your family deeply disturbed, then I DON’T WANT IT. 

If you’re truly committed, then be loud and proud! Grind your teeth every time I open my mouth and loudly sigh whenever I walk by. I’ll be as frustrating to you as possible, provided you give me the same courtesy. Everybody can be a little irritating, but our relationship must go above and beyond; make my blood boil and we’ll be enemies forever. Ideally, I’m seeking another freshman so I can spend the maximum amount of time despising you. 

If this sounds promising, reach out! Send me a psychic signal, and we’ll meet on Ankeny. You could even throw a rock at my head to get us started!