Whitman parties end up being an Elizabethan parlor to be seen rather than a place to dance and be free. It seems that for a group of people who don’t care what people think, they sure seem to care a lot about what people think. But in a single nutshell, Whitman parties, from what I’ve observed, are primarily made up of observers observing each other.

Here are a few fantastic Whitman party staples:

-Virtue signalers signaling their virtuosity to whoever is unfortunate enough to have brought a joint to the party. 

-The couple making out on the dance floor — we get it, your tongues feel more comfortable in the other person’s mouth.

-Slim, mysterious tall people in corners adding to the structural integrity of the house.

-The group of posers smoking cigarettes talking about how they just got finished reading some Marxian historian — Pete Garrison probably — and they’ll be convinced of that until next month when they get to James Lemon. Then they’ll be talking about how the economies of Virginia and Pennsylvania were entrepreneurial and capitalist way back in 1740. 

If you came to Whitman worried about peer pressure, you’ll be happy to hear about our distinct lack of peers. It is equally as hard to find drugs and alcohol as it is to find people to pressure you into doing them.

A frat party is primarily for punching mirrors and stealing sunglasses. Also when you get checked at the door, I swear they always have the same five dudes checking IDs. “Hey, can you bring Matt, Jake, Rylan, Will and Jack, we have an event that requires short, tyrannical ID checkers.”

Not for nothing, there are some redeeming factors of Whitman parties. Being at a party of nothing but close friends, dancing to Kylie Minogue, Lady Gaga and of course, “Clarity” by Zedd ft. Foxes. Then leaving the party and ambling through campus recounting memories and stories of years past and plans for the future. Of course, there’s the obligatory mounting of Styx. And in the warmer months, a dip in the Hunter fountain. 

At the end of the day life is a party and it’s only what you make of it… but while you’re here do yourself a favor; close your eyes and dance!