Lymancest: more contagious than the plague and twice as deadly. For those lucky few who’ve never heard of it, “Lymancest” is used to describe the sexual relationships that Lyman residents have with one another. To this day, not a single Lyman resident has slept with someone outside of their dorm. 

This article aims to establish a few preventative measures for this dangerous affliction. If you’re from Jewett, Anderson or Prentiss, disregard this.  If you’re from Lyman, it’s too late for you. Give this a read anyway to see where you went wrong!

First thing’s first, avoid one-on-one hangouts with other Lymanites. Studies show that one-on-one hangouts lead to emotional attachments, and emotional attachments lead to smooching in the Jewett Cafe. Group hangouts can be equally perilous; two’s company, but three’s a throuple. Your best bet is to steer clear of Lyman entirely. 

Fill your time with meaningful hobbies. Go outside! Touch grass! Attempt, and subsequently fail, at making friends in other dorms! But whatever you do, don’t go back to Lyman! 

If you have to go back to Lyman for things like “eating and sleeping,” tread carefully. Hanging out with friends past 8 p.m. is a great way to get roped into a confusing, “no labels” polyamorous situationship. If you do find yourself in an unfamiliar dorm past 8 p.m., try to discourage any games with sexual undertones. Twister is a negative, as is Strip-Uno, for obvious reasons. Monopoly, too, is fraught with danger: nothing turns people on like competing for housing and money. 

Unfortunately, even with this comprehensive guide, Lymancest runs rampant on campus. There’s no obvious solution, save for one. 

DON’T GO TO A LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE.