I bet right about now you’re cursing yourself for abandoning the temperate climate of Portland/The Seattle Area/The Bay to come here, where it occasionally gets snowy and cold. I have survived 22 winters in [LOCATION REDACTED] and I’m willing to share some of my hard-won knowledge about winter to a select group of city-slickers humble enough to read this article. 

I’ll cut right to the chase. Indie sleaze is back in full force, and you can’t leave the house without your Docs. Mary Janes, Oxfords, Jadon Platforms, it doesn’t matter which style; I know your foot is so cold that it’s smoking like dry ice. As follows is the recipe to my witches brew proven to insulate nearly all drafty-yet-stylish shoes: sweat from three fleas. The rings from one worm. One feather exhaled from your puffer after a cold day. Battery acid from two dead AAAs. Blow a kiss and mix to combine. Paint on with a pastry brush and rest for three hours. Voila, your shoes should be airtight!

The second tip: get bangs. A lot of you already have these, myself included. For years my forehead showed to the world, but now with bangs I understand how drafty it was up there! This extra clump of hair is doing a lot of the heavy lifting of a hat. And that’s probably good, because once you get bangs, wearing a hat becomes much more treacherous. 

Third: beware the fog. Good winter weather is when it’s so dry and cold that your face muscles freeze on your walk to class. Bad winter weather is when all that moisture is between being snow and in the air. It sticks to your clothes making you extra cold, the ground incredibly slippery and the chance of you falling ~99 percent. Embarrassment is almost sure to follow but depends on who you are as a person. Plus, no one knows what lurks in the fog. Heed my warning. 

Obviously all the other tips apply as well. Wool base layers, mittens not gloves, one good pair of socks, etc. From a professional perspective, winter in Walla Walla is all about traction, so don’t be afraid to climb on all fours if you have to.