Experts can now confirm that the College Creek footbridges, acclaimed for their two-person traffic jams, are also the abodes of several bridge trolls. News of these cryptids’ discovery has spread like almond butter, distracting students from the banalities of life and from studying for finals. What follows is a transcript of the groundbreaking initial interview with three bridge trolls by the names of Flinsker, Horbnoy and Brog:

How did you come to live at Whitman?

Flinsker: “I’m a homebody. I hatched here, and it’s where I plan to remain – what, you didn’t know trolls hatched? How do humans do it?” After cursory explanation of human reproduction: “Oh, gross.”

Horbnoy: “I was living in the Bay Area, but rent got too steep under the Golden Gate Bridge, and I’ve always wanted to live in a small town.”

Brog: “I came for the onions.”

How have you avoided detection for so long?

Flinsker: “I’m a master of camouflage, and I have a naturally pebbly complexion that helps me blend in.”

Horbnoy: “I don’t know. I’ve hooted and hollered and made all manner of noises, but they’ve all got those Blueteeth earpieces in. Kids these days and their gizmos.”

Brog: “I just have one of those faces.”

Do you recommend living under a bridge?

Flinsker: “It’s not for everyone, and it’s not nearly as glamorous as that gargantuan poser up in Seattle makes it look. That said, the location is good, and the footsteps above have a certain lullaby-like rhythm, so maybe give it a shot if you’re an insomniac.”

Horbnoy: “If you love being cold, wet and covered in gravel, under the bridge is the life for you.”

Brog: “Yes. Just don’t move in with me. My place is cramped enough as it is.”

Why do you all go by mononyms?

Flinsker: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve never ‘gone and bought’ anything – I do all my shopping online.”

Horbnoy: “My given surname was Horplintrodzel, so you can understand why I wanted to get rid of that.”

Brog: “Never met anyone else with my name, so I never needed a second one. But “Brog” is trending upward among the popular baby names recently, so my single-name days might be numbered.”

How do you feel about the ducks?

Flinsker: “Never had a problem with them.”

Horbnoy: “Generally favorable, but I think one of them’s been coming on to my wife.”

Brog: “What’s a duck?”