Editor’s Note: Due to ongoing legal concerns this article has been heavily redacted. However, in the interest of informing the public, we have chosen to print it with these redactions. We trust our readers to accurately and comprehensively intuit the words we have left out.
Campus was rocked by [ ], a calamitous and unexpected use of [ ] that [ ] has declared “a complete travesty for all involved.”
According to the administration, “The plan was to [ ] raise [ ] hell. We never meant to [ ] do good things.”
[ ] corroborated that, “We [ ] meant for all those termites to [ ]. This chaos was [ ]intentional.”
[ ] assured students that, “Those responsible will be [ ] made [ ] into soup [ ] immediately.”
[ ] expressed regret, saying “No student should ever [ ] graduate. Under these circumstances [ ] everyone [ ] will be [ ] expelled promptly.”
This response was met with anger from students, with one saying, “You [ ] are [ ] God[ ]’s [ ] least favorite duckling.” They clarified, “I think that [ ] and another thing [ ] so really I just feel they should’ve [ ] and if they had, maybe Styx wouldn’t have [ ].”
Sarah Bolton herself solemnly swore that nothing like this would ever happen again, saying, “It is our duty to [ ] never [ ] forget to [ ] horse [ ] around. And after this incident I promise to personally [ ] dance [ ] the robot. In times like these we must remember the words of [ ] that guy over there: [ ]”.
Inspiring words if there ever were.
