Former President Donald Trump arrived disheveled in court last week after he was indicted for a variety of crimes. These crimes included paying hush money to a porn star, selling illegal “dick pills” in Florida, stepping on a service animal, throwing hot dogs with embedded razor blades and fireworks at protestors outside of Mar-a-lago, bribing Clarence Thomas with a signed copy of “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban,” embezzlement, denouncing Dolly Parton’s musical ability, falsification of fast food receipts in his recent tax audit and holding up a local Walmart with a cheese knife. 

His long list of crimes did not include running down actress and influencer Gwyneth Paltrow on a ski hill, but he made an appearance at this trial anyways.

Paltrow, famous for her pseudoscience, out of touch lifestyle brand Goop and its similarly audacious cooking spin-off Soop that promotes a diet of only Progresso bone broth, has been in civil court for nearly seven years because an old man claimed Paltrow inflicted lasting injury after a crash at a ski resort. 

On the very last day of Paltrow’s trial, Trump appeared in court. Trump pushed the plaintiff (the old man) to the ground and sat in his chair. When the judge tried to explain to Mr. Trump that he was in the wrong courtroom, in the wrong state and that Ms. Paltrow was the accused, Trump simply responded, “Fuck off. I plead the Fifth.” He then removed a small glowing, glistening green jade egg from the depths of his pants and placed it threateningly between him and Paltrow. 

Paltrow screamed out of her chair and hit the ground like a very expensive bag of sticks. An IV drip full of Trader Joe’s organic banana, guava, vanilla, aloe, moose juice was brought in and skillfully inserted into the celebrity’s appendage, reviving Ms. Paltrow. 

Trump placed the egg back in his pants, stood, spit on the old man on the ground and left the courtroom, pushing Paltrow’s legal documents to the ground as he left. As far as we can tell, Trump performed some sort of ritual defilement of a popular Goop product, the vaginal egg, causing Paltrow’s sudden collapse. 

Paltrow won her case after the jury decided that the old man was at fault for the accident. Trump has managed to find his way to the right courtroom.