How to gently tell your friend their pornstache sucks

Carmel Stephan, good with feelings

Illustration by Kai Bowen.

The common Whitman scenario: your friend grew a beard in the first semester and didn’t shave said beard until winter break. Instead of shaving the entire beard off, they left a medium-sized caterpillar on their upper lip, also known as a pornstache. Slowly infiltrating the climbing gym and then eventually seizing the third floors of Olin and Maxey, the pornstache has successfully occupied the Cupid’s bow of Whitman students with facial hair. Though I applaud the pornstache for its persistence to remain culturally relevant, there is no denying the fact this form of facial pubes is gross, and I hate it. 

How do you tell your friend this without totally crushing their self esteem (which is already dwindling since they felt the need to grow and style an abhorrent entity on their face to feel noticed)? You must be gentle about it but firm enough to get the point across. 

First, sit your friend down and set a mirror in front of them. Then bring out your Excel spreadsheet with some quick numbers you’ve crunched and explain why, mathematically speaking, their face is not the ideal proportions to house such a mustache. Include alternative facial hair suggestions. 

Then, bring out a box of tissues and tell them it’s okay to cry if they feel insecure. 

Now, you may have one less friend after this interaction, but a deed has been done for the greater good: another pornstache either incinerated entirely or morphed back into a beard.