I know what you’re thinking: “How do I avoid the ghouls?” If there’s any singular problem which haunts this nation, it’s the ghouls. You are assaulted by them every single day, whether they’re ghouling about or ghouling in specific places. You need to get rid of them. But how? Here’s five quick, easy and non-sexual tips to deal with the ghouls:

1. Stop eating food.

Food is the number one cause of ghouls. Ghouls love food: eating it, looking at it and other such things. If you want to have a ghoul-free summer, or spring since spring is closer right now, you’ve got to give up food, pal. I’m calling you pal because I’m your friend. Unless you’re my father. If you’re my dad reading this right now, thanks for reading this, Dad. I love you. Stay away from the ghouls. 

2. Don’t think about, talk about or speak of the ghouls.

It’s “The Bye-Bye Man” rules. Ghouls don’t like it when you’re aware of them. Sorry about this whole article then if you weren’t worried about ghouls before. It’s simple, though, just stop. When an image in your brain of a ghoul pops up, just put it away. Don’t even look at it. Put it in a little ghoul shelf that you can’t look up at. Really, more of a ghoul drawer.  

3. Get rid of your hair.

Ghouls love that hair of yours. Head hair, back hair, pit hair: all the different types of hair. You need to get rid of that if you want to stop being ghouled. You can be waxed completely if you want to get serious.

4. Calm yourself with a mandolin.

Ghouls fucking hate the mandolin.

5. Accept that the ghouls will get you.

In the end, you really have no way of stopping the ghoul problem. I know, I said I could help you. Honestly, I was mostly lying. I’m sorry if you stopped eating food and shaved yourself completely bald. I just really needed this paycheck, okay? There’s a big ghoul demand. 

Okay, that’s the article. I’m supposed to end these on a punchline, but I really don’t have the word count space, and this sentence explaining that is taking up even more.