In what comes as a disappointment to supporters of living in places that are nice, Whitman Residence Life has announced that, rather than attempt to address concerns about current present housing options, it will instead construct new, worse housing to make all the current problems seem minor in comparison. 

The flagship of this program is a brand-new residence hall: Loser Hall, which Residence Life insisted was “definitely named after some alumnus or something.” Planned to be built in the middle of Ankeny, Loser Hall’s hideous, somehow Euclidean design has already aroused complaints and murmurs of fear among Whitman students. Along with its construction, Whitman has already proposed a bold list of features and maluses to make other halls look better in comparison including a lack of windows, closet-sized rooms and, to solve fire alarm incidents present in other halls, it is designed to spread and occasionally set fires as quickly and silently as possible.

“It wasn’t that hard of a decision in the end,” said David Stanfield, Residence Life spokesperson. “It was either fixing things as they are presently or just making a shiny new thing and pretending that it fixes the old things. As we have always done at Res Life, we picked the latter.”

Already, Whitman has established a pilot program for students willing to try out Loser Hall in exchange for being exempt from random assignment into the program for the rest of their time on campus. Of those that survived, The Wire was able to contact Ted Holland, who expressed dissatisfaction.

“It hasn’t been great,” Holland said. “All the walls are damp and also somehow hot. There are moths. A lot of moths. So many. There are more moths than you could fathom. I tried to use toothpaste once. What comes out of the tube? Moths. What’s in your backpack? Moths. Shoes? Moths. Showers? Well, eels, actually. But also moths.”

Holland then added, “I mean, not all bad, though. At least it’s not North.”