Flocks of rampaging murder-birds: “Unfortunate,” says Board

Ian Lewis, Feeling like Prometheus, but mainly in the bird attack way

Illustration by Payton Davies.

After a reportedly lively debate regarding the recent murder-bird situation, the Whitman College Board of Trustees have released a statement describing the recent endless scourge of avian death as “an unfortunate occurrence.”

“While we are unable to take action at this time, we write to you to state that all of us are the victims of these random, hate-filled swarms of raptors, passerines and various other bird types united in common cause to our destruction,” the statement said. “It is a fowl situation that we are all going through (LOL, did you see what we did there? #relatable #winemomthings). We share the grief and horror of the Whitman community at the massive death toll.”

The statement, released early Thursday morning, is an underwhelming culmination to student calls for the Board to take action on repeated instances of bird-caused swarmings, peckings and the occasional dragging of non-tenured professors into the sky never to be seen again. It came as an outrage to a number of anti-bird activists, who gathered in protest of the decision before being scattered by a bird attack.

Even as a sense of disappointment has colored many responses to the Board’s statement, some, including ASWC Bird Chair Thomas Zielinski have argued for a more optimistic outlook. 

“Obviously, this is not a perfect outcome, but it’s a start,” Zielinski said. “We hope to see a comprehensive plan in place by next fall semester. This is something everyone takes seriou — Oh God, no! The birds, they’re here! They’re trying to drag me into the sky! Why are you still typing?! Help me, oh my God! No!”

He could not be reached for further comment, besides screams slowly fading into the sky.