The six silliest Fox News headlines from 2022

Rachel Husband, dusty old bag

After yet another tumultuous year in the news, it has been hard to keep up with important and relevant stories as they’ve emerged. So, we at The Wire have compiled an exhaustive list of the best news headlines from 2022, courtesy of Fox News.

1. Florida man with “hustle eat sleep repeat” tattoo charged with throwing hot dog at police officer.

A Florida resident “illegally” operating a hot dog cart did what all of us have really wanted to do and threw a piece of his merchandise at a cop. The officer tried to shut the hot dog cart down for expired permits and was faced with a glizzy to the head and neck. Not only was the officer’s uniform stained with ketchup, but he now has a permanent pig-like demeanor and attitude.

2. Colombian judge suspended after appearing on Zoom call half-naked, smoking in bed.

I can’t blame her. The honorable judge will end her suspension this February.

3. Texas homeowner says “hooker” ghosts have taken over rental property: “They’re trying to stir up business.”

The rental home in Texas has recently experienced an influx of male paranormal investigators booking visits after a series of hauntings by hookers who used to reside on the property. Paranormal sex work is apparently the only kind of sex work supported by Fox News because you can’t pay a ghost. 

4. FDA advises against cooking chicken with cold medicine in response to “Sleepy Chicken” trend.

Illustration by Amelia Ebling.

I can’t say I know why this is a trend, but I appreciate the FDA’s diligence in protecting the American people from themselves.

5. If you see a squirrel sprawled out on the ground, here’s what you need to know.

If the squirrel is lying face down and largely intact, then it’s exhibiting a behavior called “heat dumping” or “splooting” to reduce body heat. If the squirrel is sprawled out seductively on its side, turn and walk away. He’s only trying to use you for your nuts. If the squirrel is sprawled out like he’s been hit by a car or something, well, he may have been hit by a car.

6. Tucker Carlson promotes Testicle Tanning. 

Many have heard about Tucker’s war against the M&M’s spokescandies, but in 2022, our boy T, ever the concerned misogynist, supported testicle tanning and vaping as methods to increase testosterone levels. I also support Tucker Carlson sticking his balls in a microwave.