Student plans to clean room for fourth consecutive week

Ian Lewis, in need of a vacuum

Illustration by Hayden Garner.

After a long period of ambiguity and broken promises, Whitman sophomore Jared Haney once again confirmed he was planning to clean his dorm room “sometime next week” for the fourth week in a row. After a constant, nagging feeling of slight shame overwhelmed him, Haney pledged that this time he would definitely do it and not just put it off for another week. 

The promise was heralded, albeit with heavy skepticism, by various sources who had criticized Haney for his methods up to this point. The most vocal group has been the Clean Jared’s Room Alliance (CJRA), formed by a coalition of Haney’s friends, his parents and one guy who just walked by and saw his room once as Haney was closing the door. 

“It’s a good sign,” spokesperson for the CJRA Isabel Serrano said. “For too long, this dorm has been haunted by the specter of unwashed clothes, cardboard that he’s not sure if he can recycle and readings his professor made him print out even though he knew he was only going to need them once.”

While the actual methods, or lack thereof, for cleaning up the room have been criticized by many sources, a need for a change is widely regarded as necessary. With the room containing plastic wrap and remnants of various DoorDash orders, it has been publicly regarded as a disaster area. Jared Haney himself, however, argued for a more moderate perception. 

“Sure, it’s been a long time coming, but it’s really not that bad,” Haney said, actively clambering over a pile of shirts. “This week, I’m going to clean it up. At some point, you know.”

At press time, Haney had thrown out three pieces of trash, decided it was a good enough start to take a break and then proceeded to watch Gordon Ramsay videos on YouTube for seven hours.