Whitman Security was called to Penrose Library sometime after 8 p.m. on Dec. 7 to handle a report of a serious disturbance and violation of campus rules. A physical altercation ensued between a Domino’s delivery person and an unnamed student, which was handled by two security staff members. The Wire obtained a copy of the official report and thereby releases the following:

8:33 p.m. – Paged to Penrose Library after doing a sweep of Hunter Conservatory (no ghosts tonight). Student and Domino’s personnel outside with a night librarian.

Significant verbal dispute occurring. One smashed chocolate lava cake and one overturned Honolulu Hawaiian pizza obstructing the stairs.

8:40 p.m. – With mediation assistance from the librarian, Domino’s employee claims they were performing routine delivery to the requested location when physically assaulted by a student on the first floor. Further inquiry revealed assault occurred on the real first floor of the library, the one logically placed at ground level. 

8:47 p.m. – Student claims Domino’s employee was never requested to the building and demanded a private questioning without librarian presence. Student admits they did order Domino’s to the location and cited “challenging finals week” as the cause. Further questioning revealed a stressful finals week to be entirely their own doing. Initially denies assault but then alleges a light assault did occur on the second floor of the library. The student was too confused by the floor numbering system in the library to answer exactly where the assault occurred. The student planned to smuggle in food using an oversized tote bag. Cited other library eaters as inspiration. Admits they crushed a perfectly edible lava cake in fit of rage. 

8:54 p.m. – Librarian informs me of the “no eating rule” in the library. Calls library eaters “deviants, scoundrels” and “good-for-nothings.” When questioned, librarian saw no fault in the library floor numbering system. Librarian said, “The concept of a pineapple pizza within Penrose Library’s four walls is morally reprehensible.” 

8:59 p.m. –  Student and Domino’s employee discharged from the scene. Issue will be reported to commander in chief, Sarah Bolton.