Welp, it’s finally here — we have now witnessed Chris Pratt’s rendition of Nintendo’s Mario. As expected, it’s terrible. The animation looks great, despite the fact that they stole Mario’s thicc ass from us, but the man’s voice is untenable. There are obviously major problems with this casting, but worst of all: Chris Pratt is straight, and Mario is Italian.

First, I would like to apologize for my previous article on this topic, in which I implied that Italians weren’t white. I am aware of the discrimination Italian immigrants faced in the United States under this philosophy. I am sorry for upsetting Italian white supremacists by bringing up something that happened a century ago.

“The Super Mario Bros. Movie” teaser starts by introducing us to Jack Black’s Bowser, and it’s an incredible performance because he’s an actual fucking voice actor. Then, falling from the sky is Marvel’s Star-Lord — I mean, “The LEGO Movie’s” Emmet — I mean, that guy from “Jurassic World” — I mean, Nintendo’s Mario. Sorry, it was a bit hard to tell with the voice.

This trailer reveals that Mario was in fact isekai-ed (sent from our world to a fantasy one) into the Mushroom Kingdom. With the knowledge that Charlie Day voices Luigi, Mario’s brother, then he must be isekai-ed as well, despite not appearing beside Mario in the teaser. Despite the taller, greener, sexier brother’s absence, I already have a favorite line of his from the movie:

Luigi: Here’s-a my brother Mario now to tell you a whole-a heaping spaghetti pile of information-a!

Chris Pratt: Hello Luigi. 

This line is Nintendo’s first recognition of “The Lost Nintendo Sex Ed. Tape,” a 2007 YouTube video which ‘leaked’ a demo tape found in some random grandpa’s attic. By officially, and finally, referencing this work of art, Nintendo not only claims the tape as their own, but takes full advantage of Chris Pratt’s incredible ability to sound like himself and not the character he is currently playing.

All in all, I’m very excited for every scene of the Mario movie that doesn’t include Mario.