On Wednesday night, a first-year student was abducted from their room in Anderson C-sec and taken hostage by a group of unknown choir students. Starting the next morning, campus security spent a fruitless 48 hours on their Prius prowl looking for this group of musical hooligans. However, some people reported hearing small whimpers from room 109 and another voice violently whisper, “for the last time, shut the fuck up.”

The first-year was released Thursday evening and immediately taken to a top-secret, secure location (Reid G02). They were asked to detail every event from Wednesday night onward. The following is dialogue taken directly from the official report:

Wednesday night I came back from the music hall—I was practicing the viola—and felt like I was being followed, but every time I turned around, nothing was there except for the distant sound of someone reciting a Walt Whitman poem. 

I thought I was safe when I made it to the third floor, but inside my room I found my roommate tied up in a piano cover with two breathing holes cut out. Then I was whacked by these annoying little silver… Forks? that pinged an A4 straight through my cranium every time one of those piss ants banged it against my head. They prodded me into a confused daze until I succumbed to their force and was carried above their heads like a funeral processional to a secondary location.

I woke up in one of the practice rooms with the really shitty piano—109, I think?—and the two people guarding the door told me I couldn’t leave and had to wait there for further instruction. About five hours later, I was presented with a piece of sheet music and told to sight-read it… Can someone tell me wtf “solfege” is?? After my disastrous attempt, I was told I have two options: either join sight-singing club or spend the next 72 hours listening to Eric Whitacre. Can you blame me for my choice? Anyways, you can probably guess where you’ll find me on Sundays from 1 to 1:30.