Everyone remembers the article about me being murdered. That article was a joke and I am not a replacement Sammy. The article called for help from the good readers of The Wire. Unfortunately, none of you lazy fucks helped me, so I had to do all the work.

Let me remind you of the scene. I died during the humor meeting after The Wire‘s all-staff meeting–Axe in the head. Carmel is a killing machine. Conor has a knife fetish. Rachel is an angel and absolved of all sin. Grace was jealous. Lee said something in French, which is always suspicious.

After a bit of snooping, I found something most suspicious in Allie “Editor-In-Chief” Cohen’s, office: a bloody axe. Now, this wouldn’t be suspicious, since after my death they had to put the body and murder weapon somewhere, but the axe was engraved with the Cohen family name.

Luckily for me, a long line of blood—I mean color theory—smeared the hallway, leading to a wall. The wall was hollow, and after knocking politely, the way into Allie’s secret lair opened. That’s when I Sherlocked this shit.

Allie decreed the day I was murdered The Wire “murderer cosplay” day, explaining the other Humor writers’ suspicious behavior. I also found the remnants of the trap that killed me. That night, she started the Saw-like mechanism by pulling a switch to knock out the entire Reid power supply. When the lights turned off, my chair sprung up like an ejection seat, colliding my head with an axe glued to the ceiling.

So what was her motivation? Well, her diary was sitting right there. The entry for that day read:
I can’t wait to kill Sammy Fitts. I have zero reasons to do this, I just think she’s an easy target.

Rude.

It was the perfect crime, but Allie made one major mistake: leaving the axe in her office. Well, two mistakes, there was also the trail of blood. Well, three… four… maybe the crime wasn’t perfect.

With the murder solved, my spirit will move on and—oh that’s ghosts? So Sammy Prime is still in Hell? Forever? Dumb bitch.

Editor-in-Chief’s note: This is slander. I am innocent.