3 ways to break it off with your winter break fling

Carmel Stephan, Lost her funny, trying to get it back

Illustration by Anna Stone.

Wherever you spent your winter break, you might’ve made a connection (or reconnection) if you catch my drift. However, with the semester now in full swing, you’re no longer in the same state of desperation and idleness. With every attempt to keep the conversation stringing along in each bone-dry text ranging from “wyd” to “haha,” you realize that the magic has been lost and it’s time to break it off with your winter break fling. Here are three ways to do that:

1. Start sending texts from cell providers, it should go something like this:

Hi, it’s AT&T. Did you know it’s Cybersecurity Awareness Month? Help keep your personal data safe by downloading your FREE AT&T Mobile Security app.–and then send five hyperlinks to five different cow births.

In order for this to work it needs to be the only thing that you send, and sent twice a day, everyday at the same time for an entire week. This should create the illusion you have been transformed into a robot with two interests: AT&T and calf delivery.

2. Say your family’s moving out of town (this one only works if it’s a fling from your hometown). Then when you inevitably run into them at the grocery store, the park or some other public space, say you’re visiting family. When they say that they thought your family moved out of town, quickly say extended family, and make it obvious that you’re covering up a lie. This will reveal you’re a lying sack of shit, but hey, at least you didn’t have to get all confrontational about it.

3. Rather than ‘ghosting’ them (because that’s lame and unoriginal), send them pictures and videos of paranormal activity. If you do this in response to all texts they send going forward, they will ideally understand the metaphor without you saying a word or being the dick that ghosts people.