Following students’ return to campus after break, Whitman has announced several changes in COVID protocol. Following “recent federal guidelines and recommendations,” these rules are going into effect immediately. The changes are as follows:

• Saliva batch testing will now be performed by having each student hock a loogie into a large, old-west style spittoon: the big brass vase-like things into which cowboys and gunslingers spat. Students who produce the most satisfying “Pting!” noise will receive a prize: a ride in Kathy Murray’s presidential helicopter.
• While Whitman encourages all students to get their booster shots, they acknowledge a lack of accessibility and so are offering their own type of booster shot formulated by current BBMB majors. Rodent trials met with a 56% success rate in repelling the virus, so they’re pretty sure it’s safe.
• Masks are now required to cover one’s entire face. Additionally, students must stop using their own names and adopt codenames, such as Blackjack or Rusty Domino. For example, you may now refer to me as Jet Vertigo. If you can’t think of a good codename, the office of the Dean of Students can help you think of one.

When asked why these changes were put into effect, the administration responded: “We take our responsibility to keep this school healthy and safe very seriously, and these new rules are guided by the latest health science.”

When asked what that science was, The Wire received no response.

UPDATE:

Just prior to the publication of this article, The Wire received an email from Peter Harvey reading, in full, “What the hell are you talking about? I never changed the rules to that.”

UPDATE THE SECOND:

We have been informed that the following rule changes were, in fact, just a prank. It seems some kids got into the school’s email system by correctly guessing the password (it was “12345”) and running amok during the Thanksgiving break. The culprits have now been apprehended. Again, to reiterate, the following rule changes are NOT actually going into effect.

UPDATE 3: REVENGE OF THE SPIT

Apparently Whitman College is actually quite taken with the spittoon idea. That one is actually happening.