This morning, twenty-three students came inside the Student Activities Center, protesting the recent cancellation of the Student Short Story Competition after 69 of the 70 submissions were revealed to be intense sexual fantasies students have about various Whitman professors. 

“It’s not fair,” junior Dion Lacy moaned. “All our stories followed the criteria.” This is technically true, as the only rules listed in the competition guidelines were that writers must remain within the confines of 3,000 words, and that they “have fun and be creative :)”. 

“My story was only 2,169 words, and I definitely had fun writing it,” Lacy said. “And I could easily argue that I got pretty creative with my descriptions.”

Many professors commended the students’ creativity, applauding the tales’ craftsmanship.

“I’d never read the phrase ‘getting her guts stirred like spaghetti’ before, but what a wonderful description,” one professor said. “It conjures up beautiful imagery more effectively than James Joyce ever could.”

Another staff member shared that he is seeking counseling services following the controversy.

A second professor chimed in, sharing that she believed the school should at least release the stories rather than censor them, even if they chose to discontinue the competition. “I heard there was one written about me. I’m just … uh … curious is all, and professors always love hearing what students have to say.” 

“This is just another episode in Whitman’s lengthy legacy of silencing students,” senior Allyson Payne shared with us, “Which, while not surprising, is always disappointing. When first-year students arrive on campus, they expect to have chances to spread their horizons. An important part of the college experience is students and professors exploring each others’ [beliefs]. We are robbed of this opportunity when admin does stuff like this. Many students had hoped this would be an annual event, but clearly this fascist school has other plans.”

An administrative member who helped organize the competition, and now refuses to be associated with the event, defended admin’s decisions, telling us, “None of these are publishable. There’s one story that was nonsexual, but it was about furries and it was absolute shit anyway so we just couldn’t let it win.”