As a Wire funny girl, I make the reader, that’s you, release a haha or maybe a hehe. I do this by telling fictitious jaunts through the recesses of my concerning mind, usually about monster fucking. But this week, everything you are about to read… is true.

I added my humor writer status to my Tinder profile and wrote “Literally paid to be funny so better bring your A-game.” My hypothesis would be that someone, anyone would entertain me.

Inspiration struck when I matched with my editor, who asked me to remove this part but I kept it anyway to nag her.  I realized that I could include the fact that I am funny in my bio, because humor isn’t subjective and anyone who tells you so is jealous.

The first variable in this experiment was location. I went to the worst place I could: Idaho. Within the world’s second-most-notable potato-based society, I went to the world’s second-most-notable Moscow. Over 4-day, I conducted the test: by liking everyone. 

A limitation of this study is that the number of likes is limited every 12 hours. The experiment was conducted over 4 swiping sessions. By the end, I had 50 matches. My ego grew three sizes that day.

Of the 50 matches, 33 were cis men. These 33 men were the only matches who interacted. 15 messaged me first, and 2 of the respondents sent something that referred to my bio or emulated humor.

Only one man referenced my bio directly. He wrote “Sorry I’d bring my A game, but my comedy style is slap-stick so I don’t wanna die or nothin.” I don’t know what that means so he kinda sucked.

The only message adjacent to a joke was “I wanna buy you a necklace but I’m kinda broke, would my hand work instead?” It wasn’t tailored to me, because obviously if he looked at my profile he’d know I wasn’t the one getting choked.

The results of this trial are as follows: If you’re a hot chick, cis men will message you first. However they can’t read so your bio will be ignored, and the concept of a joke eludes them. In conclusion, I will continue being a lesbian.