Marcus Whitman statue creates TikTok account, is immediately banned

Lee Thomas, author of critically acclaimed novel series Goosebumps

With rapper Saweetie’s voice saying “Let’s go” in the background, the Marcus Whitman statue records his frozen, expressionless face with text reading: “Me omw to Oregon Country spreading the White Man’s book of God and civilizing da West.”

This was the post that permanently removed the TikTok account @mr.colonize.yr.girl from the platform. 

“Even the College dedicated in my name refuses to acknowledge me, so TikTok helped me be recognized again,” Marcus said. “The app gave me a voice and extended my network of followers, both literal and account-wise. It’s disheartening that my account got banned, and all my videos deleted.”

His wife, Narcissa, expressed similar frustrations. The Prentiss Hall portrait said: “It’s the newest fad, preventing creators from their right to free speech. Recently, my feminist activism Instagram account was removed for supposedly promoting ‘discrimination,’ being a ‘TERF’ and ‘hate speech’ on the Planned Parenthood profile. According to these social media free speech haters, all these actions are apparently ‘bad,’ so my feminist voice is silenced.”

“I try not to get too upset about discrimination against me on social media,” the piece of metal resembling Marcus said, “since it’s not the best way of purifying—er, educating the community anyway. Interacting with people in-person, reading the Bible in church, purposefully infecting them with smallpox—all of that is far more fulfilling.”

Illustration by Anna Stone.

Besides, the statue explained, the digital world spreads an epidemic even deadlier than smallpox: misinformation. 

“People don’t realize how much my culture is appropriated on this app. Like the ‘little lad’ trend. Berries and cream was my favorite during my youth, and that meal was a big part of my culture as a 19th century colonist who was once a little lad myself.” 


The statue vows to continue the fight for his TikTok account’s reinstatement, already brainstorming what content he will create should he succeed. 

“I will try the ‘mama said that it was okay’ trend, with my main man Christopher Columbus as the mama who showed me that it’s okay to invade others’ homes, deplete natural resources, spread diseases, and incite violence. I aim to create a safespace of positivity for fellow colonists.”