In the dead of night, as the last raven has settled from its flight, they lurk out of sight: The Nail Clipper. Climbing up brick and ivy, through your window they come sliding. Taking off your slippers and with their clippers performs a trimming that sends your back shivers.

As of late, students on campus have reported waking up at night to see that their toenails have been trimmed by an unknown visitor. Frank, a student with notoriously nasty-ass feet, was shocked and honestly pretty pleased when he woke up with a full pedicure saying “whoever it was— they really did a damn nice job on my nail beds.”  

To some, the Nail Clipper is not as welcome a presence. One student commented “I really didn’t appreciate how they helped themselves to my M&M stash like it was some sort of payment. It’s not like I asked them to come.” 

So who is this ominous vigilante? Well, lucky for you all, yours truly got the chance to get the REAL scoop on this new campus ‘hero.’ We met in an undisclosed location, with lighting dim enough to only make out their silhouette. Their voice was constantly on edge, like a pair of trimmers closing in on some keratin. I came in ready to pounce, to clench the Nail Clipper between my jaws and bite down with the power of pure journalistic integrity as my guide.

Unfortunately, the subject of them being the Nail Clipper was never brought up. I was certain it was them though because our entire meeting they were gently pressing the blades of a nail cutter together to the rhythm of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.” 

What did we talk about? Our thoughts on the new season of Sex Education. Regrettably my capacity to discuss this subject at great lengths interfered with my intended interrogation. It was only until we parted amicably that I realized I had completely forgotten what my original purpose was. This is to say that the only thing we really know about the Nail Clipper is that they’re dastardly affable.