Students set themselves on fire in front of Memorial to protest spring break days

Lee Thomas, just some guy I guess

Since the start of the semester, discussions have repeatedly arisen about the evident consequences of a reduced spring break. The vacation designed for getting blasted in Miami has been adapted to avoid expected travel and to reduce positive COVID-19 cases. Five days of the week that would’ve been spent getting high somewhere nowhere near campus are now sprinkled throughout the semester — essentially the Amazon warehouse piss breaks version of spring break. 

Petitions for a full week have circulated in the student digest emails. Wire articles on students’ frustrations have been published. And, most importantly, frequent, desperate attempts at conversation between students and faculty have been made. And yet, so far, no solutions have been found. Many students remain frustrated with the school board’s refusal to react to the academic burnout that a large portion of the student population is suffering from, and so, five students decided to portray that burnout literally.

Last Saturday morning, the group set themselves ablaze on the front porch of Memorial, with textbook pages and essays that functioned as kindling to encourage the flames. The five students that burned alive symbolized the five days appointed as “break days.”

The fire caught some eyes. Students were finally successful in receiving reactions from admin members, with one trying to get inside to their office saying, “What the fuck,” before entering through the back entrance instead. 

An anonymous board member tells The Wire, “Why are students still going on about this? There’s only about a week of school left. Three different petitions were posted around campus in a single day. You guys, just five more days until the end of the semester and you’re done. You’re about to get a three month break from classes, so quit yapping about a full-week break.”

Illustration by Eli Rodriguez.

One of the protest’s organizers maintains, “We intend to persevere for as long as we need for our cause.”

“I think I might sue for emotional damages,” a sophomore claims. “This semester was too time- and energy-consuming. So, I plan to dedicate the entirety of my summer vacation to an equally lengthy and mentally draining legal battle.”