Several weeks ago it was reported that Kathy Murray failed to leave a tip after her dinner at the Walla Walla Steak Co. Below is a response to the backlash from the soon-to-be former president of Whitman College, who is apparently kind of a dick:

“Dear Whitman Community,

It is true that I, Kathleen Murray, decided to treat myself to a delicious meal. After a signature steak from the charcoal grill and a few glasses of wine, the bill arrived at my table. I hovered the pen over the vacant tip line, but then I thought to myself, “Kathy, you are the most fiscally responsible person this side of the Mississippi. By tipping you are just throwing money away.” I dropped the pen, and left, breathing a sigh of relief for having saved money. 

The satisfaction I feel is too great to keep to myself. Next time you go to tip at an expensive restaurant like an irresponsible dipshit, think about these five things that you can do with your (parents’) hard-earned money instead.

1. Buy Duolingo plus

Because the school will no longer support language assistants, the regular version of Duolingo just won’t cut it. Saddle up and pay the extra $9.99 a month. 

2. Invest in Cryptocurrency

If Mommy and Daddy ever cut you off, this is your best bet to be able to pay off your student loans. Also, Crypto is a great thing to talk about nonstop to everyone you know.

3. Buy a nice cold tall boy for the drive home

You just wanted a nice refreshing Mixed Berry Truly to unwind with on the commute home. Well if you don’t tip, those 24 ounces won’t flood your bank withdrawals. 

4. Save up for a trip to Germany

Whitman will no longer cover more expensive off-campus studies programs, but if you don’t tip your wait staff and instead put that money towards a trip to Freiburg, eventually you’ll have enough for a lil cross-Atlantic excursion!

5. Expand the environmental humanities programs

Just kidding! xoxo Go fuck yourselves,

KM”