Fact vs. fiction: Clearing common misconceptions about Dad Dictums

Lee Thomas, Not Mad Just Disappointed

Myth: He’s got your nose.

It’s easy to assume that, with a small, skin-colored stub poking out from between his first two fingers, somehow the guy actually removed your schnoz and now holds it in his own hand. However, look closer and you’ll catch a fingernail on that so-called snout. That’s right — this burglary is bogus. He merely positions his own thumb in such a way that tricks your mind into believing he’s got what’s rightfully yours.

Fact: Swallow a watermelon seed, and it will grow in your stomach.

Illustration by Nicholas Rogers.

Turns out this terrifying tale is no tale at all. Just this month, a twelve-year-old boy was hospitalized when a seed from a watermelon slice he had ingested nearly two months before had evolved into a harvestable fruit. And apparently he’s not alone. About 7,000 U.S. patients annually suffer from some form of gut garden, a consequence of swallowing potential produce progenies. By simply investing a small amount of extra cash into seedless grapes, watermelons and other heir-less fruits, you can avoid the costly medical operations your old man always warned you about. 

Myth: When you pee in the pool, the chlorine turns green and follows you around. 

While you’re a disgrace for pissing in the piscine (and lying that you’ve never done it in your life), you can rest easy knowing the only evidence of your crime is the warmth and possible yellow tint encompassing you. 

Fact: Sparky ran away to a butterfly farm. 

Did you know a non-profit called Happy Homestead® provides a pleasant place for Fido to prance around and chase monarchs for miles? It’s true! So when Pops breaks the news, he’s likely not lying! He may be fabricating the specific detail that your pup ditched your family because you in particular were a bad pet owner and kid. Maybe.