Study suggests masks cause gingivitis — proving too many of you fools are nasty

Lee Thomas, "Evolved" Ape

Dentists are overwhelmed by the influx of patients complaining of teeth hailing from their mouths like COVID-19-laden droplets. A national survey conducted this month exposes a correlation between mask wearers and gingivitis, but not for expected reasons. The study reveals that most patients are suffering from poor dental health due to only brushing their teeth out of respect for others’ sense of smell, and believing this to be no longer necessary with mask requirements. A stunning 78 percent of the general American public confessed to not brushing twice daily, the well-established recommendation, ditching toothpaste for masks in blocking their horrid breath.

“I guess I only ever brushed to protect others from my morning breath,” a 32-year-old New York man informs us. “With pandemic masks, I just pop a spearmint Orbit to cover the rank stench from my own nostrils and call it a day. Now I’ve only got six teeth that are ‘alive’. Who knew teeth died?”

Illustration by Nick Rogers.

A 19-year-old Philadelphian “employed gamer,” with swollen gums making speech difficult, claims, “I brush like once… a week. No one told me that’s bad. I mean, I piss in Mountain Dew bottles. I hope Twitch streams will cover insurance…”

“I received five caps and three false teeth. Yes, my gums did turn black,” a 58-year-old lawyer shares. She assumed the pain was resulting from “all the arguing I do in court, the stress corporealizing.”

While adults comprise a horrifying majority of subjects, some children were also questioned. A 12-year-old with trench mouth says, “I thought masks kept the germs out.” 

The Wire interviewed dentists whose offices feature in the study. One expresses, “[w]hat do parents teach these damn kids? They never have Sesame Street dental episodes? My God… I clamp my nose with clothespins so I won’t smell their stank breaths. Still goin’ in my mouth, though… can still taste it.”