First years abduct Kathy Murray, force in-person learning

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In the wake of President Kathy Murray’s announcement for a return to campus during the second semester, a small group of radical first year students have claimed credit for this shift, stating that they kidnapped President Murray and held her captive until she sent out the announcement.

The group of first years behind this scheme said, “We wrote an open letter addressed to the chair of the Whitman Coronavirus Taskforce Peter Harvey about the unfairness of the lottery-based pods system, and we got enough signatures on our letter to gain Chair Harvey’s attention. He arranged a meeting with us but when we arrived, he just started laughing at us and it was clear he wasn’t going to take us seriously, so we had to take matters into our own hands.”

They did just that, mobilizing from across the country to meet in Walla Walla, creating a plan of attack while huddled outside the local Walmart. They bought a large trench coat and a blonde wig to disguise themselves as Dean Juli Dunn by perching on top of one another’s shoulders like that scene in “Madagascar” with the monkeys. 

“Dean Dunn” invited President Murray to meet on Ankeny for a late night smoke sesh, and successfully lured her out into the open. A team of twelve first years leapt out and forcibly escorted the president to a secondary location where they made her draft an email for six hours until she managed to escape. 

Thankfully, as part of her preparation for her role as president, Kathy Murray has had extensive training in abduction response. So, she fared fairly well and was able to liberate herself easily with a bit of parkour and mixed martial arts. 

Chair Harvey stated, “Once we knew Kathy was alright, we read the email she drafted in captivity and honestly we really liked it. So, we decided to send it out and make our final decision about the spring semester. This group has also been labeled an ongoing threat and will be watched carefully. I’m happy to announce that President Murray is recuperating in an undisclosed location and will soon be back to her usual deadly state.”