The key to an in-person spring semester: Remote Zoom sex

Fielding Schaefer, Mr. Tough Guy, Huh?

As Whitman College considers the possibility of an in-person spring semester, they have been forced to address many potentially unsafe aspects of campus life. Residence halls, dining areas, athletic facilities and classrooms are common concerns for all colleges right now. Whitman, however, has identified another large roadblock not being addressed elsewhere: sex. 

“It doesn’t matter how safe our buildings are if students end up sleeping around and potentially spreading the virus,” stated the Coronavirus Task Force update.

Kathy Murray expresses her concerns too, “students love to have sex, and they’re not going to stop due to COVID-19.”

In fact, the college’s president took a sample poll over Zoom with four of last year’s freshmen, concluding that 100% of first years totally have sex all the time, and 75% have sex with at least one new partner every week. 

“We need to address this issue in order to provide a safe campus. Student horniness is the single greatest threat to the financial survival of Whitman college,” Murray noted.

Thus, admin are preparing to take action in the case of an in-person spring, planning with the members of SHAG (Sexual Health and Advocacy Group) to produce a mandatory educational course on having covid-safe Zoom sex. The course would have weekly sessions over winter break, teaching students how to use Zoom for equally satisfying, consensual remote sex with other students. In an additional course, RAs would even be trained to moderate weekly online section orgies in which students can stick together or opt for breakout rooms.

Although campus sex would remain remote this spring, admin don’t want to deprive students of sexual intercourse if they’re in love. Accordingly, If two students find themselves really liking each other, they could arrange a personal meeting with the Dean to explain why they want to have old-fashioned, in-person sex with each other. If their appeal receives approval, they must sign a contract saying that they will remain exclusive for the remainder of the semester. Failing to comply would be punishable by suspension.

Whitman is proud of producing the most comprehensive COVID-sex plan in the nation. With it, they feel more confident that Whitman will be able to host a safe and sexy, in-person spring semester!