Mask? Required. Clothes? Optional! Nudist 5k commences

Kiara Paninos, also ran

Marathons and running events have been cancelled all across the world, but the Whitman Cross Country team decided to let it all hang loose in a masks-required, clothing-optional nudist 5k. The competition will take place on Skankeny field this coming Wednesday at high noon.

The Naked Mile is a Whitman staple, typically held right before finals. Formerly known as the pukey-time beer run, it is an event that has been cherished by Whitties for generations. Confused returning students are outraged that the Cross Country team is hosting such a suspiciously similar event at the beginning of the year – and in the middle of the day to boot. The Wire got an interview with the speedy and elusive Ron F. Aster for the scoop on this controversial “suns out, buns out” extravaganza. 

Illustration by Annika Bauerle.

“We are just so tired of covering up our beautiful faces. We can’t wait any longer to uncover our even more beautiful bodies and scandalous tattoos. I have a new kale leaf on my left butt cheek I’ve been wanting to show off,” said Aster as he flashed his snowy white backside. He then pantslessly assured The Wire that mask wearing will be enforced by helicopter moms, and the runners will be periodically doused with hand sanitizer so as to comply with current COVID-19 regulations. 

In addition to providing contestants with human-sized hamster balls, event coordinators also plan to hand out sunglasses on Nankeny field to help protect runners’ eyes. When pressed further about the sunglasses, Aster told The Wire that they are specifically for dimming the intense glare of many white, sweaty bodies that are predicted to reflect dangerous amounts of sunshine and privilege.